I am who I want to be with

I felt invincible. For once, I thought, I was able to do something I never really did before. I don't know. Yes, she's very nice, and yes, she's very, very nice, and it felt she'll never really mind if I told her I had a crush on her, which I did. It was a weird moment, but I didn't feel it until later. It just went out of my mouth. What happened next, I actually don't remembe,r but we just hugged, and I think I stole a kiss in the cheek. Okay. Right there I felt ridiculous.

Although, I figured, it wouldn't go anywhere. I perfectly knew that someone was courting her, or it was very close to an agreement, but that revelation served to, well, get us closer, and perhaps diffuse whatever unaddressed whatever I had for her. So I became a jolly guy, but a little too shallow, especially since she did everything and then some, or so it felt. I could've felt inadequate, but frankly, I probably never noticed that I felt like that, that I can't keep up with her, that I want to keep up with her, until I had to forget. And that's when it hurt.

For some reason, I managed to keep up with her. She was perky, perhaps too perky, but some did say I had this thing for very outgoing people. I had to be perky, too, and that's something that I can easily pull off, with my battery-powered madness. She was very witty, too, and I thought, I have to keep up with her. So, I thought, I'd play with wordplay. Never mind if she didn't see it; I just wanted to feel that I am witty too, and that means I can keep up considerably well. So what if we never talked that much?

Again, I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but I guess all I wanted was the company, and while I was surprised that she did provide it, or I was just in a lucky place, well, it was awkward and fun and, I don't know, pretty cuddly. I talk fast, and I have aspirations of being a radio DJ, but I stutter when you put the two together. She is witty, and she thinks fast, and while I think I'm both, I can't keep up with the output. I wanted to blame the language barrier, but, sure, let's just play with it.

There was this in-between and I didn't know things because I didn't know her all of a sudden. All I know is, there's someone.

Or was there? I met her again and everything was different. She's quiet, with that same look in her eyes able to express giddiness and sternness at the same time. I guess you lose track when you fall in love, especially when you know there is a chance, because for some reason the world turned and all that's left was me, and her. She started talking deep stuff, and I thought, I can do deep stuff too; it must come easy, with my metaphors that nobody understands. I've learned a lot in those two years. I can keep up, perhaps bluff, and there were those awkward moments, but somehow you're hoping, or, otherwise, you were already working on it.

But she didn't believe in romance, anymore, perhaps, which is ironic, since she spoke of romance before, and it felt all true. And she started to turn her back on me, and all I saw was someone who's been hardened by time and has thus turned cold with whoever's offering her warmth. (It was raining, literally.) Quickly, I stopped believing in romance, too, and I turned my back on her, more cynical than I ever was. But you know what they all try to conceal, right?

Nah. She's so broken, I presume, and I was, too.

And your responses...

So maybe this is the explanation for not believing those kinds of stuff.

Blogger N.5/28/2009     

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