Problem is, you're freaking awesome and I'm bleeping delusional

"So the only hot celebrity crushes I've had?" I texted Icka. "Munn, Gomes, and maybe Magnus. The rest are adorable to the point of rape."

That eventually turned out to be a little inaccurate. I realized I had another celebrity crush who's freaking hot: Dichen Lachman. If you've seen Dollhouse, you probably know her. But you probably haven't, so I might as well tell you that she's this Australian actress who's part-Nepalese. In the words of a former Seattle colleague who got to interview her, she's "the most stunning creature I've ever seen. She is seriously not human." And then there's the fact that there's nothing sexier than an Australian accent.

Problem is, hot people often have this intimidating air. They're always too awesome to be accessible. I mean, if you fly to Portugal to pose for Sports Illustrated for a living, or get on the American Idol stage and instinctively know what to do, then you must be this really awesome person, and awesome people tend to be hard to reach. I remember feeling the same way towards Eena when we first became classmates in literature class - and no, I did not have a crush on her.

Thus, the last line on the text message. "The rest are adorable to the point of rape." Rather, adorable to the point that crushing on them feels wrong because they're more the person you'd love to hang out with rather than see every night showering you with affection. (Putting it safely.) Thus Agron, Gomez, Marigliano, Shawkat, and maybe a little bit of Iraheta, because meeting her personally has changed a lot of perceptions.

And thus, my crushes have often been more of the adorable type than the hot type. Pretty, sure, but there's got to be that (in Celine's words) "certain charm." You know, the sort that you'd wanna hang out with.

But often these pretty girls aren't happy with just being pretty. Thus, in Hazel's words, a "girl crush" - should I add that the person who thought Dichen is "not human" is female? And since it's quite hard to be hot - that takes a lot of discipline, a lot of time, some lucky genes and a sense of obsession - you just become, well, awesome.

That does not bode well for me.

"Everybody has insecurities," Imogen told me once, but I believe mine's quite, err, heightened. Imagine knowing very well that you're not the most interesting person in the world. You don't have a hobby, you don't go out much, and you bore every new friend you make after a year or so. (Hello, birthday girl.) Not to mention I'm a relatively obnoxious person.

So imagine liking someone you find pretty - pretty, which is in between cute and hot - and realizing that they're the sort that's up to something all the time. And while you want to be with her so badly, you realize that you're not exactly up to speed with them. You talk, and you're friends on Facebook or something, and you see her talk about this and that - things you wish you could absolutely relate to. And you could, but you think that actually floating that thing would make you look like a phoney. That, and you aren't exactly comfortable with learning stuff just to make conversation.

But other people are, so never mind the "you have to spend a lot of time getting to know the person" thing Cha told me before - there's just got to be something in common, and once you have a couple of months or so you can launch a grand production and get her to say yes. At least until they say "I don't want to anymore" or something like it.

Maybe I am aiming too high. Maybe I should just go for the cute, unremarkable ones, who just aspire to become pretty and end up getting something that lasts much longer. Or maybe the ones you can't really figure out.

"Siobhan should have her own category," Icka texted back. "She's hot, in her cute weird way. She's not a bombshell, but she isn't a cutesy either."

"Surprisingly, initially accessible sex appeal."

"I guess it's an understated sort of sexy."

If she was someone I knew, I'd probably be dead by now.

And your responses...

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