Trial and error (and error and error and error)

It's the end of the month, and I didn't get the call.

I sort of saw it coming, because Friday passed and it still wasn't there. True, I wasn't really excited about it, but I still had the feeling that I will get it. The interview went well. I can say so myself: I had good answers and better questions, and I didn't leave with an empty feeling in my chest, whispering, "what the hell did you get yourself into?" I had a really good feeling about it, and then I'll find out that I wasn't even considered. Someone else beat me to it.

That should trigger my usual diatribes about how unfair the world is. I always thought that way. There was an interesting conversation I heard on Mancunian radio last week. Never mind that it's a conversation within the context of the North West, because it works perfectly in my context, too. You can't get a job without work experience. You can't get work experience without a job. The news came to me the same way everything else that came before it. I'll realize the dream is over. I'll be hurt. I'll start quoting Squidward after he squeezes a lemon wedge in his eye rather than on his cup of tea. "Why do I even bother?"

All of that did happen. And then nothing.

I was at the mall yesterday. I realize that I hate going to the mall. All those people winding the weekend down, with their preppy outfits and the smug smiles on their faces. It still annoys me. It's like they know what I'm going through - three years of getting screwed - and they know my name, and they'll say, "Niko, just give up and be a call center agent, because that's all you're meant to be." And I'll try not to scream back at them.

I was told not to be discouraged. Everybody's telling me that. I'm just young, and I am supposed to try and try until I make it somehow. Trial and error. And error, and error, and error, and error, and error, and error. I have friends who got it right on the first try. On the first fucking try. It's hard to be happy for them when you can't do the same for yourself, because you keep comparing yourself to them, because you were in the same place and you're much better. That delusion. It never fails.

Maybe I should change my mindset. I noticed it myself. I was trying to be a little more optimistic about things. I'm changing for the better. Soon I will be formidable. And then I try until I make it somehow. And I fail, again and again. I have a safety net but it's never enough. I have friends who got it right on the first try. I have friends who didn't, but are still better off than I am. But I keep my head up. After five years of whining I owe it to myself to see things differently. Or maybe, I owe it to everybody else who's irritated at me. I did it myself, and I forget about what happened.

Nothing's working anymore. The circumstances are different now. I have done my best, but people still manage to screw things up. Nobody fucking cares. More so for folks like me. So what else is left to do, when you can't try anymore, even if everybody tells you to try, and to keep your head up?

I'm just blogging about it now, because I don't care anymore.

I don't fucking care anymore.

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