The end of December

Another blog entry about Gwen again. I know, creepy, right?

The idea was, I'm going to bookend 2011 with blog entries about the same thing. So happened that the first blog entry I wrote this year was, well, about Gwen, and the fact that we've been trying to arrange a second meet-up for ages.

Last year she gave me a vague idea of a calendar date: the middle of January. It did not happen.

We almost met up a few months later, but she found herself in a hospital, her check-up taking longer than expected or something. Or, in my words back then, I was stood up.

Now, it's December, and I've long let go of the hope that we'll ever arrange that second meet-up. I will, perhaps, forever owe her a coffee.

We did have a few conversations here and there, mostly around two things: the fact that she's been busy, even if she said back then that she wouldn't be, and the fact that we can't arrange that second meet-up. We'll reaffirm our commitment to finding a date and then forget all about it. Then, a few months later, the same old rigodon.

The thing is, she's the one who got busy. She quit her job and went on some filmmaking lark (not to dismiss anything, but I don't have an idea how else to describe what she's doing exactly). At least, I thought, she's doing something with her life.

Me? I'm stuck at home, working at home, doing the same things I've done for the past three years or so. I'm always the one who's telling friends that I'm free on most weekends if they want to meet. They're the ones who say they miss me, besides, and then, nothing.

I don't think this year's been that good to me. Sure, I got ahead in a few things, but for the most part I was either held back or forced to hit reverse. Sure, perhaps it's my tendency to view the glass as half-empty. It's gotta be, right? There's always something wrong with how I see things. Everybody says that. And even if I counter along the lines of "there isn't anything I can do, really," I still get told that I could do better.

I could do better. I know I could do better. I also know that I cannot do anything else. Even if I wanted to - heavens knows I do, I want to - I cannot do anything else.

And here I am, closing the year the same way I opened it. Writing the same old thoughts about the same old people, or something. I haven't really changed, and everybody else has moved on without me. I wanted to go with them, but they pretty much said no.

And then I gave up.

And your responses...

Post a Comment