3/14/2012
Booby traps

It's my fault I reverted to old habits and put all my hopes on this.

I mean, I told myself before. Do not put all your hopes on one thing. When something else happens you'll be left with nothing. Not that there's anything in the first place, but you know people like me. We want something, we start to act as if there's something.

And now, here I am again. Here we go again. Nervous, wondering if I've made a fool of myself again. Curious, wondering if I should've hedged my bets in the first place. Angry. Or maybe that's too big a word. But I feel angry. "At myself, mostly." That's a bit of a worn record, but it's mostly true.

The other part is what's happening to me. How you, I think, played with this, I think. With me. Yes. With me. Or at least that's what I think. I don't think this is just failing to find common ground; this is deliberately making sure that we don't find it.

Or maybe I'm overthinking this. I am overthinking this, yes? My friends have always said think about these things too much. But I know that when I do just that, something is wrong. And the next step is, always, I scramble for the exit and get caught in the booby trap anyway.

Maybe it's wrong that I'm so highly strung, but it's also wrong to leave people with their expectations. Strike three. I regret ever getting into this, and if something happens tomorrow, well, nothing will happen, because that's it. I'm done. I'm convinced I'm done.

And your responses...

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