He's not the Christian Grey you know

I'm terribly insecure, therefore I don't like it when girls go gaga over a particular guy. You'd go online and you'll see your friends separately, yet collectively, fawn over a man who's either so handsome or so beefy - or both, preferably both - he pretty much captures a woman's superficial idea of the perfect boyfriend.

Of course, the fact is, I have more female friends, so I tend to see these things a lot more than usual. Anyway.

Chris Hemsworth. When Thor came out the girls went gaga over this muscly Aussie who spoke like he's reading Shakespeare - well, that's what his character did. But you do know speaking like you're an Elizabethan literary character makes you sound chivalrous, right? And girls irrationally want chivalry.

Well, I know I cannot go up against Chris Hemsworth. Not that I plan to. I'm perfectly happy with my unkempt, scarred face and relatively plump belly. One of the things I learned from three years of writing about television is this: what you see is often the most perfect representation of reality. Yeah, I know, I sound dull and academic. But Alan Ball wouldn't cast anyone other than Alexander Skarsgard to play Eric Northman in True Blood, right?

And yet I still get peeved. The Chris Hemsworth thing got too much, eventually. If you all want to be Chris Hemsworth's girlfriend, then this world is doomed. But there are worse suspects. Xian effing Lim. Yeah, he's relatively cute, I get that, but he looks soooo fake, like the things he does to make girls melt are extremely calculated. There's an even worse culprit: Daniel effing Padilla. Where did he come from? Does this mean I have to learn to play a guitar to look the least bit handsome to the women? And why is his hair so big? It's like a wig. No, I'm pretty sure it's a wig. Or maybe not, because it doesn't look as ridiculous as Eddie Gil's. But it looks so fake, still.

Lately I've taken that stance far too many times. I guess I've gotten much more insecure lately. I know, that doesn't attract the women any more than just-being-myself me does right now. But you only have two options when you're surrounded by an opinion that amounts to nothing but gains credibility because of how strong the shouting is: accept it or resist it.

There is one guy who I don't mind: Matt Bomer.

I covered half of the third season of White Collar. (I was never really assigned to the show, but when maternity strikes, a single man has to take over.) To do that, I had to watch the first two seasons, which served as my honest-to-goodness introduction to the guy who plays reformed-or-is-he? con man Neal Caffrey. Maybe it's his character's penchant for designer suits and the well-placed fedora, but he's just so dapper. He'd bed women without being creepy; they feel they've just had the best night of their lives, before realizing that their precious Degas is missing.

I like the show because of the tense relationship between Neal and Tim DeKay's federal agent Peter Burke. (And Mozzie. Sweet, sweet Mozzie.) Girls probably like it because of, well, Matt Bomer and his glistening blue eyes. And I get it. I totally get it. Maybe all I need is to understand why the girls are going gaga over someone - so, sorry, Xian, I will never understand you.

So, when the suggestions started swirling around, of Matt being the perfect guy to play the title character in a film version of that secretly ubiquitous book Fifty Shades of Grey, well, whatever, I thought.

Girls would love it, though. Matt Bomer as Christian Grey, sexy guy? It's like Neal Caffrey, only with bondage of the kinky kind. It may be, apparently, a terrible book - Jill says it's poorly written - but it's still fantasy fulfillment. Girls, frustrated at the world, not seeing the perfect guy for them, deciding to retreat to a book and think of Christian Grey, dapper and suave... and then they go to the sexy bits, which is a plus What, we're not good enough? Because we retreat to a magazine and think of, say, Leanna Decker doing a striptease?

"They're curious, we're maniacs. They observe, we gawk. They explore their sexuality, we masturbate." Dexter trots out his usual line, one that succinctly explains how terrible women are to men. "Sounds fair to me." No, it's not.

"To be fair, I think girls just hate it when guys are crude about it." That's Jill. "But it's an accepted fact. I think."

And when the girls are being crude about their Christian Grey fantasies, what about that?

But most of the people I know don't know that Matt is gay. And let me stop you right here. I'm not saying being gay is a bad thing. But for obvious reasons, girls tend to be really devastated when a guy who they consider to be perfect boyfriend material actually plays for the other team. But he's dapper and he's cute! you'd go. Yeah, he's dapper and he's cute, but he has a partner and two kids, and there have always been rumors, and he (sneakily) acknowledged his sexuality early this year. "My ovaries died when I found out he's gay," Jenn told me.

But not everyone believes it. I was having a conversation with a couple of girls about Matt Bomer. I mentioned his being gay - I should know, I wrote about White Collar - and they were in denial. "No, he has a girlfriend!" one of them insisted, and tried to bring up web page after web page proving her point. I only had to email her an Advocate article on Matt's revelation.

"I hate you," the other girl said. "Una, si Wentworth Miller, tapos si Matt Bomer?" Apparently she was just going to start reading Fifty Shades of Grey, and I have ruined all her fantasies.

Also, I'm not sure if that thing about Wentworth is true. What's true, apparently, is that he's 40 years old.

And your responses...

He's gay? Wow. Well, wow.

Blogger Isa7/26/2012     

Daniel Padilla is good-looking in an androgynous kind of way and that's the reason why he isn't my type. And yes, you need to know how to play the guitar if you want girls swooning over you.

Blogger Aleigna Lin7/27/2012     

I agree re Xian looks a bit fake-ish but look, it's effective, there are many girls swooning over him. (not that im one of them, sometimes, i just appreciate his good-looking face)
And re girls swooning over hot/good-looking/godly-faced men, i'm so sorry but i'm one of them.. :)

Anonymous Anonymous9/18/2012     

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