I was thinking.

Two of the last three times I fell hard ended terribly. The first was a flimsily-made fallout; the second was much more valid. But in both instances I found myself trying to rationalize - to myself and to other people - why things happened because of their shortcomings rather than mine.

Since it's only my side of the story I'm telling, those other people tend to agree with me. Sometimes I think I might've exaggerated things. Maybe they're not as bad as I make them out to be. But then again, I'm not speaking for them. I'm speaking for myself, at how it felt so right, and how it turned out to be so wrong.

And then they'd say this: "you don't deserve her."

The first time someone told me this was three years ago. You know. Anyway, it was Elaine who told me this, and while I don't remember what I said before or what I said after - I only remember this because I wrote it down for posterity - it certainly feels exaggerated now.

The second time someone told me this was roughly a few weeks ago. Icka was on the other end. I definitely don't remember what I said before or what I said after. I'm pretty sure she didn't say "you don't deserve her" exactly. Or maybe she did. I don't know.

Anyway, I was thinking. Yeah. If I don't deserve her - this her being hypothetical, slightly - then who do I deserve?

I'm pretty sure that when I first saw that hypothetical her, realized that I liked her for more than the shallow things, and ended up falling hard, splat, down the rabbit hole, splat, that it's because somewhere inside this desperate head of mine I think that I deserve someone like her. She looks fun to be with, cool enough, someone who can match my wits and show interest in my interests, or at least be extremely gracious in faking it. Yeah, we all deserve someone like that. And someone who looks good too. Let's face it. That's definitely part of the criteria.

And then you do some things, and it doesn't quite work out right, and you find yourself spilling your heart out to some friends, who tell you those four words. Or, in this case, five. "Niko, you don't deserve her."

Sure, not everybody is perfect, and some people prove to be more of a bitch than others. But if I don't deserve someone who's cool, can hold a conversation with me and make my heart flutter every time we meet - or talk online, in most cases - then who do I deserve?