We try not to show how frightened we are

It's a little pathetic that I'm the male equivalent of a woman who's defined by her partner.

Okay, maybe that's stretching the definition, but all these years I've been writing, in one way or another, about wanting someone and not getting someone, about being forever alone, about getting annoyed when you see couples being, well, couple-y. Sure, I'm reasonably accomplished - I'm earning enough, I get to buy the things I want and I generally get along with people, except when they piss me off or something. But you will always have those empty feelings. You know what I mean, yes?

But lately I've been thinking: what happens when that empty feeling gets filled? Am I actually ready to live with the fact that I'm, so to speak, a little heavier, because of the added (happy) mass inside?

Am I ready to start spending for two people instead of one? Okay, okay, that sounds absolutely petty - I put it first precisely because - but here's a normal conversation between me and relatives who are amazed that I can buy myself, say, a laptop. "Wala kasi akong luho," I'd tell them. "Walang girlfriend." I don't have to buy gifts every month, bus fares and movie tickets and fast food meals and extra phone credit. And then you'll have that empty feeling in your wallet.

Am I ready to stand up to the fact that, yes, that empty feeling gets filled, that I do have someone, that this is possibly the best thing that could happen to me? This should be effortless, because it will just happen. You're breaking away from one mold to make another - I am looking too far. possibly - and you're inevitably apprehensive, but supposedly confident, because, well, you've written about it before. This is what you want. Or, is this really what you want?

And what if this doesn't work? I hated it when things don't turn out well. All those past things, all those grids and coffee shop meetings, and how long it took for me to get out of the rut, of how pathetic I looked in front of others as I whined, of how I thought this is it, when I actually end up, well, being here. Pondering these things.

Yeah, the question is, what happens when that empty feeling gets filled? I'm pretty sure nobody has answers - I don't think anybody ever had, and I've seen people just feel their way through things. If this happens to me, maybe I'll just do the same. Feel my way through things. Anxiously. But possibly, completely, terribly, unbelievably, happily.

And your responses...


Blogger Rainy Martini12/10/2012     

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