Sixteen things I am willing to give to join your group, get in that music festival, and be finally considered cool

A free lunch at Yakimix. You can eat whatever you want, and how much of it you want.

A free lunch at Yabu. What, Yakimix too mainstream for you? Sure, you've probably been at Yabu, but you'll take the opportunity to be able to have free lunch at one of the city's most popular restaurants, right? I don't care if you think the food's ordinary. I'll treat you there.

A free lunch at Spiral. Still too mainstream for you?

Free drinks, whatever drink, whatever place. At least it's your choice. And I will get drunk. I don't get drunk easily - I once had seven bottles of beer and I was still lucid enough to call that girl ugly - but I will get drunk, and you can take photos of me, and you can upload them on Facebook for your friends to make fun of.

My services as a driver for one day. Sure, I may have been involved in two car accidents, but I pride in being a careful driver. Yeah, I may talk a lot, and I change the radio station far too often, but I'm paying for the gas, I know my way around, and I'm risking my life. And you can always sleep in the back while I drive you around.

My services as a wingman. And by that, I mean I will make a fool of myself in front of everyone at Republiq just so you can go to bed, err, fuck, err, whatever you call it nowadays with that girl you're eyeing. There's a bonus if you bring me to a party with Georgina Wilson in it; I will really make a fool of myself just to be able to kick her in her supposedly awesome legs.

My services as a drug dealer. Not that I know anybody, but just tell me where to go and I can do the buying for you.

My services as a henchman. Sure, I am weak, but also, I am desperate, and desperation makes for very driven henchmen.

A vow that I will not bother you after this transaction. Sadly, you don't want anything to do with me, but still, thank you thank you thank you for being nice enough to adopt me as a member of your group. Or something. No? I mean, we don't have to hang out. I just want my friends to think I'm cool.

The film rights to my most heartbreaking love story. And I swear that completely fucked up crush of mine from a couple of years back would make a great, (500) Days of Summer-y movie. John Lloyd Cruz can play me. I think he'd be perfect. You do know John Lloyd, right? If you can't get him, get Enchong Dee.

My participation in a medical trial. I may end up maimed at the end of the whole thing, but at least, for a couple of days, I am one of, err, thousands of the coolest people alive.

My kidneys. Left one, right one, your choice.

My buying insurance from you. Or a condo. Or a car. I will buy anything from you, double the commission, just pleeeeease let me in.

A car. Okay, I'll buy you a car instead.

Access to my credit card. Commit fraud with it! Just please, for the love of God, Jesus and Hipster Jesus, please fucking let me in, or else I will call you a cunt. Which is... not... err... never mind.

My services as an indentured servant. I will serve you for the rest of my days. Just please make me the coolest person alive. Or at least one of them. One of thousands. One of you. Please.

And your responses...

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