Award of Excellence

I think we should do away with the idea that change is only for the better. I think we should do away with the idea that change does not mean deterioration, desecration, and any other such words that I can't think of right now.

I don't know. "Change" always implies something good. "You can change." "You must change." Perhaps the only time it takes a negative context is when you say "you have changed" - and most of the time it's always followed up by a plea to, well, change, in the popular sense of the term.

"You have to change," I was often told. I was in elementary school back then, and the administrators saw me as the guy who could, but just can't. I always got the Distinction Award, but never the Award of Excellence. They would always say I am a smart kid, but I had an attitude problem. "You have to have more self-control," the affable Mrs. Guiriba always told me. Just change that one thing and, maybe, you can get an Award of Excellence like Faith or Carmel have. Your neighbors, you know?

"You have to change," I am often told. Even now, I am often told this. They're always pointing out flaws. I have flaws, and that's not good, they say. I still do not have self-control. I'd like to think I try, but there will be days when I get angry. There will be days when I remember that keeping it all in is bad, but letting it all out is also bad. But, bottom line, I have to change, and maybe I will be liked more by my peers. Maybe better things will come my way. You know?

But I have changed.

I have changed for the worse, unfortunately.

It isn't anyone's definition of change. You know, today the death penalty was one step closer to returning, and some will say it's a good change, and others will call it "change" derisively, a reference to the president's promise of "real" change, fist symbols and all. Okay, maybe it is the definition of change to some. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, that bullshit, you know? To some it's change. To others it's deterioration.

So, there you go. To some, me losing my shit more often, screaming like a banshee out of the blue - that's deterioration to some. To most. To me, that is change. I have changed. It's not your idea of change, but then again, you're blinkered when it comes to the bad things, because that can't exist with the good, cannot at all coexist with the good. But I know my brain's chemistry has changed, and I feel trapped, and the only way out is to starve myself to death - or perhaps to just shoot myself with a gun.

I still have no self-control. I'm publishing this for everyone to see. Like that changed anything.

And your responses...

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