11/10/2019
Yes, go on

If there is one thing I regret about closing the other blog almost seven months ago, it's that I've cut off a steady, if inconsistent source, of affirmation.

Okay, that's stupid, right? Why would you look for affirmation from other people?

Someone said precisely that to me a few months back. Perhaps it's a mistake on my end, telling someone who's essentially a stranger that, yes, I do look to other people for affirmation. I mean, it's cool to say that you're not that kind of person, that you're the opposite of yours truly. No, you don't need other people to tell you that you're doing well. What matters is what you feel, and what you feel alone.

But, if we're being honest, we cannot always trust ourselves to know that we're doing the right thing. And that's in the best cases. I never trust myself with knowing if I'm doing the right thing. I'm overflowing with anxieties, with worries, with regrets. Not healthy? Well, whatever, that is what I am. That's how I've operated, for better or worse. It's fine to have done something by yourself, but if others think what you've done is a waste of time, then what exactly have you spent all this time and effort for?

Or maybe "affirmation" isn't the right term, but I don't know. That's the very thought percolating in my head these past few months.

Anyway, that blog. I always said nobody read it, and I'll still say that, even if I have a stat counter that says otherwise. (It's not a lot, but then again, what else did you expect?) But it was always nice to hear back from the artists you've written about. Those thank you's aren't always the typical ones you dish out to people who have given you extra publicity. What made it extra nice was how people remarked on how I write. Some have said I write differently from other music outfits. Some have praised my honesty - this is a different essay altogether, but was that world really just bullshit? It felt even nicer when those artists agree to take part in the Five Songs feature Shalla and I cooked up while at my godson's baptism reception. It said to me that they believe in what I do a little more to actually say yes.

I closed the blog because, among other things, it's become a chore to me. My heart wasn't in it as much as it was when I launched it, when I got into all those tangents. And now it's closed, I feel a little free, but then that vacuum was filled with work - by design, partly, but I didn't intend it to be soul-crushing work, the sort that people make you do, only for them to disregard it, because to them it wasn't as good as what you, and a lot of others, thought it would be. Not breathing as easily, then. And without strangers telling me that what I am doing is worth it, well, what exactly have I spent all this time and effort for?

And your responses...

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