It was already difficult enough when you always have thoughts about how the reason I have difficulty maintaining meaningful friendships is because I am just not worth it, that I am not likeable enough, or not liked at all.
Yes, yes, this is a mood swing, a mini mood swing. I did just come from a long phone call which would disprove this whole thing. But that happens a lot. I always have something to disprove whatever idea is intruding in my head, but the thing is stubborn, and I'll dwell on that idea for a while. Like, right now, as I write this. I am not likeable enough. I am not liked at all. And everyone who spends time to talk to me is just keeping me at arm's length,
I never really had a group that I could call my own, a set of friends I can turn to. Okay, again, I have facts that can disprove that, at least at the moment. It'll only be the case for now. Sooner or later they will stop talking to me because I am not likeable enough. I am not liked at all. You get the cycle.
True enough, the enemy most of the time is my head, but I suppose that came with one benefit: on a good day, I can always take something that just happened and tell to myself that I'm really just wasting my time dwelling on something that isn't true. Lately people have been saying that I am good at keeping a conversation going, that I am easy to talk to, that I make them comfortable, somehow. I'll take that compliment. When I first heard that from a friend years ago I was surprised at how that realization made sense, but not something that occurred to me. Same thoughts this time. Same response this time. Some folks out there think I am worth it.
But not today, not when I feel my only purpose is to be raised as proof that however bad their life may be going - and, by God, I do hope that is the case - that my life is still infinitely worse. But yeah, the enemy is my head. But yeah, so is what seems to be true and infallible sometimes, most of the time.
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