I'm sad today.
At this point, it's no longer because of that. At some point I will have to stop licking my wounds and move on, right?
I'm fairly certain that what I feel as I write this is not because of that. Much smaller things, actually. The Internet connection isn't working as well as it should, and someone tried to call me while I was taking a shower. Minor inconveniences, in the grand scheme of things. Trivial matters, even. The sort of thing I would still blow up in the past; the sort of thing I try my hardest not to have an outburst about now.
Am I succeeding? Maybe, but then I end up thinking about how I now feel that I'm not supposed to express myself lest I make others anxious. It's a really tight spot, made tighter by the fact that I now think about how what I used to be - what I try not to be - makes me an undesirable person.
Is it really because of that? Not really. But the thing is, everything that makes me feel sad these days get heightened because my head automatically frames it with, well, that. I hear those words in my head, about how I have to learn to love myself before I become deserving of others' love, about how I have to be happy with my own company before I can enjoy the company of others, about how I have been nothing but a hindrance to dreams and aspirations... excuse me for a moment.
Sorry. I haven't cried out of nowhere in months. Where did that come from, exactly? Exhaustion? Dread of what is to come? Dread of what I have to do? Is it because I haven't really truly mourned that? I know I have, and I was confident I was ready to move forward. I was already being teased about having a crush on someone new. It's a bit annoying, but I suppose it's a good step forward, the impression that I am being flirty when I'm actually just trying to make conversation.
But I suppose that's the problem with having to look like you have it all together, all under some semblance of control; that you're moving on, or moving forward, as I'd like to put it. But these things hover like a raincloud on what is otherwise a painfully sunny day. That is a raincloud I can never get rid of. That reminds me that there really is nowhere else for me to go, that there is no place for me anywhere. "Don't rule yourself out," a friend once told me, but here I am, ruling myself out, because who will choose me again, exactly? Who will choose to be by my side?
But then, that - that - heightens everything to the point of exaggeration. Maybe I am just sad today, like how I am sad in many other days, even before that raincloud showed up.
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