9/14/2006
Almost kinda already-denying-everything

Another overreaction, you might say. Being me I tend to do so, and as such you must try to do something about it or you'll end up getting irritated. So much for finding that out, though - Kevin decided to go solo, so I haven't got a choice but to go solo as well. Miss Averion's been pulling out surprises - today we've been doing our initial reflections, and I understand the other room has had a lot to do and a lot being demanded for. Miss Diaz walked along the corridors and told her students - most of my blockmates included - to not linger in the corridor in such a ceremonial manner. That just drilled down the gap I apparently made between me and my blockmates, at least during Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.

I'll say. I have the suckiest schedule someone could possibly have. I mean, more than the boredom that a five-hour break brings, what more about the psychological effects? Just five weeks ago I met a lot of people, and today I suddenly have to fend for myself. Spending time with a mixed bag of blockmates somewhere in the campus in the afternoon, though, does wonders. Believe me, I'm thanking you guys this early for just sticking by.

We're all supposed to have that gap once in a while. Maybe this time we're being trained for a much larger gap, one separated by city borders, physical obstacles and radio wave shortfalls. Maybe Monday and Tuesday just started so well, I relied too much on these things repeating on the succeeding days to actually make me feel better. Or maybe it's my paranoia, that fatal combination of observation, instinction and familiarization, that killed me today.

Then again, I can't believe what this has come to. Admitting to myself was easy, despite anticipating that with it comes constant flashes to memory of all that you've wished, dreamed and experienced. Communicating was surprisingly an easy task, and I thought that's what made the entire difference. I think she knows everything first before anybody else. Then, just because of some obscure circumstance, I collapse and her presence - or the lack of it - comes first to mind, and quickly gets the blame. And I don't want this to happen, because experience has told me that this isn't the best way to do it. Or, I guess there isn't any way at all.

Epiphanies have always been my enemy. That reflection in research class - which has been moving quite slowly, to my comfort - said I'm one of those observers, and being such I observed quite everything and overreacted. I guess it's my problem I'm too eager to know what's coming next - as I always asked Mirielle and Jan, "I wonder what's next?" - and I always wish for something good to come out, and then not do anything about it.

Sorry. I'm just too confused right now. I mean, I don't even know what to write here, or if I'm even supposed to write about it. But is it time that I tell somebody else about this? The fact that the five people who know about this very thing are pretty separated from me means nobody much gets to know, but that distance means not everybody understands. Issa's been getting a lot of text messages about it, but we both know we're not getting each other, and it won't make sense to explain. Then again I told myself I'd try my hardest to keep this a secret - or at least her identity - or risk having it explode right out in the open. It's hard cleaning up, after all.

Or could this be my fault all along?

Well, I'd rather go back for now to what else distracted me - maybe that mixed-up story for Literature 2 class, or before that, Kizia coming in all made-up by Irish (the same make-up girl who did the blushing for Clarence, Ale and Toni, among others, during Remix 06), or a few other mundane details I just realized I forgot about because I got so entrenched in this thing.

Reality check to self. You're just this superficial guy with nothing to give. Beat those thoughts of wishing something else would happen. Again, you'd not want to risk losing what you've had for so long, right?

And your responses...

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